Good Enough Is Actually Enough
What attachment research, and women’s shame quietly reveal
Last week after Ash Wednesday service I sat around a restaurant table with six thoughtful women from my small group. The men were nearby at their own table, deep in animated conversation about investments — where to get the best return, what the markets are doing, and (I assume) how to fully retire by Tuesday.
At our table, we opened with a simple Lenten question:
“What does Lent mean to you?”
But as often happens when women gather over a good meal and a glass of wine, the conversation gently drifted.
Before long, we were talking about our children.
Adult children.
Five out of the six of us shared some version of concern:
How they’re really doing
Choices we wish they would make
Places where life feels harder for them than we hoped
And then — almost on cue — came the familiar turn:
What we wish we had done differently as mothers.
The room grew quieter. Softer. Very honest.
And I found myself thinking…
Whether your children are 6, 16, or 36, this particular ache seems to have remarkable staying power.
The Shame Many Women Quietly Carry
Researcher Brené Brown found that for women:
#1 shame trigger: body image
#2 shame trigger: being a “bad mother”
That second one does not politely exit when the kids get their driver’s license. The mother shame trigger also impacts women who never had children - couldn’t, chose not to, waited too long, or tragically lost their child in the womb, or later.
For those who became mothers, It follows women through the toddler years…
through the teenage years…
and — as I witnessed again last night — straight into the empty nest.
**NOTE: I know many wonderful fathers who also struggle with what they wish they could’ve done differently and worry/suffer about how their grown children are doing. This message is for you too!
For The Women In The Thick Of It (ages 30–50)
If you are currently juggling:
work deadlines
soccer drop-off
dinner that someone will definitely complain about
and the low hum of “Am I doing this right?”
Please hear this clearly:
The bar in your head is likely far higher than what your child actually needs.
For The Women Looking Back
And if your children are grown — and you sometimes replay your younger motherhood with a wince — there is grace here for you too.
Because here is the cruel twist of growth:
We judge our younger motherhood with wisdom we did not yet have.
Of course you see more now.
Of course you would do some things differently.
That is what maturity does.
But now let’s bring in the research — because it is remarkably hopeful.
What Attachment Science Actually Shows
Decades of research from Edward Tronick and Beatrice Beebe tell us something most parents have never been told:
Parents only need to be emotionally attuned to their children about 30–50% of the time to support secure attachment.
Pause right there.
Thirty. To. Fifty. Percent.
Not perfect.
Not constant.
Not even most of the time.
In fact, even in healthy families, parents and children are out of sync much of the time.
What matters most is not avoiding the miss.
What matters most is repair.
Coming back.
Reconnecting.
Trying again.
Translation for today’s busy mom:
If you lost patience before coffee…
If you answered one too many emails during dinner…
If you occasionally hid in the pantry for three minutes of peace…
You have not ruined your child.
(You may, however, need a snack.)
A Word Especially For Mothers Of Grown Children
There is another piece of research that many tender-hearted mothers need to hear.
As children move into adolescence and adulthood, parenting becomes only one of many shaping influences in their lives.
Research consistently shows adult outcomes are increasingly shaped by:
peer relationships
temperament
life experiences
romantic partners
personal responsibility and choices
Recently, Dr. John Townsend shared something with me that he and his longtime colleague, Dr. Henry Cloud, often remind parents. When a child is 15, perhaps 40–50% of their ability to navigate life can be connected to how they were raised. By age 21, the balance begins to shift — about 70% rests in their own hands. And by 35, roughly 85% of the direction and quality of their life reflects their own choices, habits, relationships, and willingness to grow.
Dear Mom — especially the one who lies awake replaying old conversations — your influence does not disappear, but it does diminish. Eventually it settles at 15% or less. The baton passes. Their story becomes primarily shaped by how they steward what they were given — the good, the hard, and everything in between.
You were always meant to be a chapter in their story, not the whole book. The rest is now theirs to write.
In other words:
You were never the sole author of your child’s story.
Not when they were five.
And certainly not when they are thirty-five.
Scripture Speaks With Gentle Honesty
Psalm 103 offers this compassionate reminder:
“He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust.”
Not disappointing dust.
Not failing dust.
Simply human.
Throughout Scripture, God works through imperfect parents and complicated family stories. (Have you read Genesis lately? It is not exactly a parenting highlight reel.)
What we see instead is a God deeply committed to redemption, repair, and ongoing growth — in us and in our children.
Grace was never meant only for the kids.
It was always meant for mothers too.
A Gentle Lenten Invitation
So as Lent invites us into honest reflection — not harsh self-accusation — perhaps the better questions are:
Where did I love faithfully with the capacity I had then?
Where did I return and repair when I missed?
Where might God still be at work in my child’s unfolding story?
Because if last week’s dinner table taught me anything, it is this:
The women I know did not parent perfectly.
But we loved deeply.
We showed up imperfectly.
We kept coming back.
And friends… that is far closer to “good enough” than shame would have us believe.
Encouragement for the Weary
So to the mother in the minivan…
and the mother staring at her adult child’s name lighting up her phone…
and the wise woman still quietly carrying regret from years ago…
Take a slow, grace-filled breath.
The research is kinder than your inner critic.
Scripture is gentler than your shame.
And your child’s story is bigger than your mistakes.
You were never asked to be a perfect mother.
Only a real one.
And by the measure that actually shapes secure hearts and resilient lives…
You may have been beautifully, faithfully, wonderfully…
good enough all along. 💛