Could These Three Inner Skills Be Holding You Back?
The greatest obstacles to your growth may not be outside you—they may be within you
Most people don’t fail because they lack talent. They struggle because they neglect the inner work.
A few weeks ago I came across something I had written more than a decade ago.
As I read it, I smiled.
Some of the research was dated. Some of the language felt too formal. If I were writing it today, I would say many things differently.
But one thing surprised me.
The central message still feels true.
After nearly forty years of coaching leaders—from CEOs and physicians to nonprofit executives, entrepreneurs, and pastors—I have become convinced that people rarely derail because they lack intelligence or technical ability.
Far more often, they struggle because they neglect the inner work.
This isn't simply a personal development principle; it's a leadership reality. Bill George expressed it well:
"The hardest person you will ever have to lead is yourself. If we can't lead ourselves, how can we possibly lead other people?"
I’ve watched brilliant people lose influence because they couldn’t receive feedback.
I’ve seen gifted leaders exhaust themselves because they couldn’t establish healthy boundaries.
I’ve coached talented executives whose careers accelerated almost overnight—not because they became smarter, but because they became more self-aware.
The older I get, the more convinced I am that lasting success grows from the inside out.
Three inner skills seem to matter more than almost anything else.
1. Know Yourself Honestly
Self-awareness is the beginning of growth.
It’s surprisingly difficult to see ourselves accurately. We all have blind spots. We justify our behavior. We explain away habits that others experience very differently than we do.
One executive I coached was exceptionally bright. He consistently produced outstanding results, yet people avoided working with him. He believed others were simply “too sensitive.”
Only after receiving honest feedback—and choosing to believe it rather than defend himself—did real change begin.
His intelligence had never been the issue.
His lack of self-awareness was.
Growth begins the moment we become more curious than defensive.
Not, “How could they think that about me?”
But, “What might I be missing?”
That question has changed countless careers—and relationships.
2. Build Relationships Before You Need Them
Influence isn’t built through authority.
It’s built through trust.
The leaders people gladly follow are rarely the loudest or the most charismatic. They’re the ones who listen well, show genuine curiosity, keep their commitments, and make people feel seen.
One client was known as the person who could get any project finished. She worked tirelessly but did almost everything herself. Delegating felt inefficient. Investing time in people felt optional.
Eventually, she realized she wasn’t leading a team.
She was carrying one.
As she intentionally slowed down, coached her people, and learned to trust others with meaningful responsibility, everything changed. Her team grew stronger, and so did she.
Relationships aren’t a distraction from the work.
They are the work.
3. Stay Steady When Life Gets Hard
Every one of us eventually encounters seasons we didn’t choose.
Unexpected change.
Loss.
Conflict.
Disappointment.
The question isn’t whether stress will come.
The question is what kind of person we become when it does.
The healthiest leaders I know aren’t those who never feel anxious or discouraged. They simply recover more quickly. They pause before reacting. They ask for help. They establish boundaries. They protect what restores them spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
Resilience isn’t pretending everything is fine.
It’s developing practices that help us remain grounded when everything around us feels uncertain.
As a Christian, I’m reminded of Paul’s words about being “transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Whether you approach personal growth through faith, psychology, or leadership development, the invitation is remarkably similar: become more aware, love people well, and remain steady under pressure.
That kind of transformation doesn’t happen overnight.
It happens one conversation, one decision, one act of courage at a time.
A Leadership Reflection
As you think about your own life, where do you sense the greatest opportunity for growth?
Do I see myself as others experience me?
Am I investing in relationships, or simply accomplishing tasks?
What helps me remain grounded when life becomes difficult?
We often spend enormous energy improving our resumes.
Perhaps the greater investment is improving the person behind the resume.
Because wherever we go...
there we are.
Perhaps the most important leadership assignment you'll ever receive isn't leading a company, a ministry, or even your family. It's leading yourself—with honesty, humility, and hope.
Everything else grows from there.
🌿 Elaine’s Coaching Corner
An exclusive reflection for paid subscribers of The Inside Stuff.
Assess Your Three Inner Practices
15 Coaching Questions to Help You Grow from the Inside Out
“The most important work you’ll ever do is the work within you.”
🌿 Elaine’s Coaching Corner
A practical coaching exercise for paid subscribers.
Assess Your Three Inner Practices
15 Coaching Questions for Personal Growth
