When People Are Upset, Explanations Rarely Help
The overlooked skill of emotional regulation and empathetic listening
A lesson for leaders, spouses, parents, and anyone who has ever argued with a teenager.
Have you ever found yourself explaining something perfectly—and somehow making the conversation worse?
I have.
A spouse is upset. An employee is frustrated. A friend feels hurt. A teenager declares, “It’s not fair.”
We explain.
They become more upset.
So we explain harder.
Oddly, that doesn’t help.
Two coaching conversations this week reminded me of a simple truth I keep forgetting:
When people are upset, they usually don’t need an explanation first.
They need to feel understood.
We all know what it feels like to be misunderstood. And most of us know how hard it is to listen when we're hurt, angry, or disappointed.
One leader was dealing with an employee who felt slighted after being reassigned for a day.
“It’s not fair,” the employee said.
The manager carefully explained why the change was necessary.
“It’s not fair.”
She explained again.
“It still isn’t fair.”
By the end of the conversation, neither person felt heard.
A few days later, another leader asked an employee, “How’s it going?”
The employee responded with ten minutes of complaints about customers, coworkers, management, and life in general.
The leader tried to help.
Then reassure.
Then quietly looked for the nearest exit.
Most of us have been there.
Whether at work or at home, our natural response when someone is upset is to fix it, defend ourselves, or explain why they’re wrong.
The problem?
When emotions are running high, people are rarely asking for a solution.
They’re asking a much simpler question:
“Can you see what this feels like from my side?”
Until that question is answered, logic rarely lands.
When someone is upset, we often become upset too.
Their frustration triggers our frustration. Their criticism awakens our defenses.
Before we know it, we’re reacting instead of responding.
This is why emotional regulation matters.
If we cannot manage our own reactions, it is very difficult to respond well to someone else's.
The ability to pause, notice our own emotions, and choose our response is one of the foundations of emotional intelligence.
It grows through prayer, reflection, feedback, coaching, therapy, and the humility to admit we all have blind spots.
The more aware we become of ourselves, the more present we can be for others.
The Pause That Changes Everything
Emotional intelligence often begins with a very brief pause.
Before responding, notice what is happening inside you.
Maybe you’re thinking:
“I don’t have time for this.”
“This is ridiculous.”
“They’re acting like a child.”
“I know exactly how to fix this.”
Take a breath.
Then get curious instead of corrective.
Try:
“You seem really frustrated.”
“I can tell this matters to you.”
“Tell me more about what’s bothering you.”
And then do something surprisingly difficult.
Listen.
Not listening while preparing your rebuttal.
Not listening while writing your closing argument.
Just listening.
One of the most powerful phrases a leader—or spouse, parent, friend, or coach—can learn is:
“So what I hear you saying is...”
Then simply reflect back what you heard.
Not whether you agree.
Not whether they’re right.
Just what you heard.
People calm down when they feel understood.
Not because their problem is solved.
Because they no longer have to fight to be heard.
This approach doesn’t mean agreeing with bad behavior or avoiding accountability.
It means recognizing that empathy is often the shortest path to influence.
People listen better when they feel heard.
Relationships strengthen.
Conflict de-escalates.
Solutions become possible.
The next time someone is upset, resist the urge to explain.
Instead, try:
“Tell me what’s bothering you. I’d like to understand it better.”
You may be surprised where the conversation goes.
Once people feel heard, they’re often much more open to hearing another perspective. Sometimes they’ll even agree. Occasionally they’ll apologize. And if you’re very lucky, a teenager may grunt something that sounds vaguely affirmative.
People who lead others well usually learn to lead themselves first.
And sometimes leadership begins with something as simple—and as difficult—as taking a breath, setting aside our need to be right, and helping another person feel understood.
Reflection Questions
As you think about your own relationships and leadership, consider:
When someone becomes upset with you, what is your most common reaction? Do you explain, defend, fix, withdraw, or something else?
Are your internal conversations more focused on other people’s behavior or your own reactions?
What situations tend to hook you emotionally and make it difficult to stay present?
What practices help you become more emotionally regulated? Prayer? Reflection? Journaling? Meditation? Feedback from trusted friends? Coaching or therapy?
Who do you know that models emotional regulation with grace, kindness, and patience? What can you learn from them?
The ability to listen well begins with the ability to lead ourselves well.
And that is a lifelong journey.
One of the most effective ways to develop emotional regulation is through consistent self-reflection. To help with that process, I’ve created a simple 30-Day EQ Growth Journal that I often use with coaching clients.
This 5 minute per day exercise helps you identify emotional triggers, recognize recurring patterns, and practice responding thoughtfully rather than reactively.
If you’d like to deepen your growth in this area, I invite you to become a paid subscriber and download the tool below.
Thank you being a paid subscriber. I truly appreciate your support of my writing. I hope you find this tool helpful. If you have any questions, I welcome an email at elaine@elainemorris.com.
